Reunion: Part 1

Haven't been able to find part 2 of this yet. For some context, here's a selection Danny's tweets from the night in question:

11:06PM:     This is like a school dance in that I'm not sure why I came because I can't stand these people. Unlike a dance, there's an open bar.
11:29PM:     Just had a conversation with a guy who though I was named Peter. Claimed to be an astronaut. Totally bought it.


11:35PM:     Girl just asked if I was Steve, said we should hook up for old time's sake. Note to self: figure out who Steve is.


12:01PM:      Bad news, she found the real Steve.


12:12PM:      A guy named Mike just recognized and hugged me. No idea who he is. I just hope he's not a friend of Steve's.


12:39PM:      Just posed for pictures. I'll be the one tagged as Jeremy. Don't know him either.





So the part of last night I remember, Rachel decided to be my chick wingman and try to get me laid by outright lying. My favorite was when she told some drunk blonde that she desperately wants to have sex with me but I keep saying no, because I'm so well-endowed that I'm afraid I would hurt her.

So this morning I woke up in the parking garage in the back seat of my car with four Volbeat CDs and a hammer. I have no recollection why, and neither does Rachel. But she can't drive stick so she didn't leave me there.
Volbeat is a surprisingly good rockabilly/metal band. I'd never heard of them but, assuming I bought all these CDs, I have good taste.

I remember the entire reunion, is the thing, and I left when the open bar closed. I remember Rachel suggesting we go to the Peet's next door, I remember ordering coffee, then I woke up in the back set of my car.

I checked the police blotter for break-ins at record stores.  Also high-speed chases involving new Camaros.  Nothing.

Speaking of Rachel, she heard from Mike. The short answer is I have very little idea who Mike is.  I apparently went to high school with him and he dealt a poker game with some coworkers last year. He showed up drunk, got drunker, danced with everything, groped a waitress and vanished. Apparently I Tweeted the highlights.  That's all kinda hazy.

Anyway, Mike found us in the coffee shop.  He then proceeded to Irish up my coffee and insist we accompany him to a karaoke bar. This was about when I stop remembering what happened. He tells Rachel that he has a cell phone video of her in a bra and skirt singing badly to Bon Jovi.  So things make slightly more sense.

"He says I took off my shirt because it's what Jon Bon Jovi would want.  He says you then told me Bon Jovi would also want me to take off my bra too.  Jackass."

He says we left with a girl I claimed to know but very possibly just wanted to have sex with. Also I made him sign a napkin on which I wrote, "Mike agrees that if this doesn't end in a threesome it's his damn fault."

Here's my thinking: If I didn't know the girl there's no way we'd have left with her.  Because, come on. So what girls do I know that would take pity on me enough to drag me to safety despite my advances?

Leticia is a possibility, but she said she didn't drive me home and also asked what the hell is wrong with me.
Brynna! She's hot, she hangs out in downtown Walnut Creek and she can drive stick. And someone was definitely driving my car, because my car dropped Rachel off at her mom's place. Also I asked her mom if she'd heard of Volbeat.

Update: I did not have the albums, I was not driving, she didn't see who was, but I was singing along to NWA.

Danny: Didn't consider, you know, doing something?
Rachel's Mom: You weren't driving, I wanted to see where it was going to go.
Danny: Who was driving?
Rachel's Mom: Chick.  Out of your league.  It was dark.

Part 2 will be posted if I find it.

Danny and the Intruder

 Well.  That was odd.

A chick in pearls, a tiny black dress and a Gidget haircut just walked in my apartment, got a glass of water, drank it, then looked at me and said, "Well, this doesn't seem to be my home."  I said, "Doesn't seem like it, no."  She says, "Terribly sorry," puts the glass in the sink and leaves.

How the fuck did she know which cabinet the glasses were in?

-------

I can't imagine what school would have a postgraduate necromancy program, except probably Bob Jones University.

Danny probably ruined a kid's life at Taco Bell

So I'm waiting in line at Taco Bell, right?  Right after school got out so it's full of teenagers.  Register opens up and this kid shoves past me and starts walking to it.  So I say, "Dude, I'm next."

This kid is maybe 13 at best.  Looks like his mom dressed him as a gangsta for Halloween.  Fubu shirt, gold chains, giant pants, baseball cap with the brim flat and all the stickers and shit still on it. He gets as up in my face as he can get before hitting puberty and says, voice squeaky and cracking, "You say something to me, bitch?  You wanna step up?"

So I started laughing.  Like, full-blown uncontrollable laughter.

Then the kid gets all mad and says, "You best check yourself or I make you my bitch." except his voice cracked when he said "bitch" so I started laughing harder.  Like, tears in my eyes laughing.

He does that whole "hold me back" thing, then realizes his friends are also laughing, along with the other people in line, the table full of high school girls and the Taco Bell employees.  So he takes a swing at me and hits me right in the shoulder, which made me start laughing so hard I had to steady myself on the wall, and made the room start laughing so much louder you'd think someone just got hit in the nuts.

So he ran away.  Just up and ran.

Danny and the Jesus Pimp.

I don't know which is stranger, that my roommate is sitting here eating Bugles with chopsticks to piss me off, or that it's working.

Last night when I was in a sleeping pill induced stupor I had this vision of a slapstick comedic version of Kafka's Metamorphosis.  But now I can't even figure out how that would work. I checked the notebook and all I wrote was "Metamorphosis: BUT SLAPSTICK" circled twice.


The fishiest possible situation is sitting across from me.
It's a dude in a suit with five attractive but strung-out homeless chicks. He's taking them to some sort of Jesus rehab in Vegas supposedly. The dude in the suit has a giant Singletary cross around his neck.
Fishy, right? Because none of these chicks is ugly. If they had a shower and less meth I'd hit that.
Danny goes to talk to them.
"So this is a forced prostitution thing, right?" "Why would you say that?" "None of these people are unattractive or men."
One thing led to another, I'm going to hell.